Story of a n-1: This close yet too far🙂

I always wondered about the feelings of the n+1 and n-1 rank holders. What it would feel like to rank 11 when top 10 are openly felicitated? What it would feel to someone who missed the cut-off by 1 marks? The universe conspired to make this exact feeling as my life's story– the tale of the n-1. 

Last Friday, an exam's result was declared in the evening. I was anxiously waiting for it, refreshing the site every passing minute. Deep down I knew I would make it, I did not eat anything that day. I waited for the result to come and finally reward myself with a good treat. In the late evening, the result came, I searched for my roll no. in the PDF to not find any. There was it, the feeling of blankness. The feeling of being on the other side. I couldn't believe my senses, thoroughly wished for the PDF to be fake, a poor joke. But, it was real and I was shattered. 

I have lived this exact feeling about half a dozen times in the last 2 years, still every time it pierces my heart with the same intensity. The walk back home, not in tears but detachment from the surrounding.....the loneliness felt while walking among the commotion is indescribable and only felt at some point of time in our life. 

When I reached home, I did not have the heart to tell my mother about the failure eye to eye. I behaved like any other day, after an hour the scorecard came. It showed I missed the cut-off by mere 0.32 marks. My heart paced and suddenly I couldn't contain the injustice, I hugged my mother and showed her the result. Seeing me in tears, she said she doesn't consider it as bad as at least I reached this close. But, I couldn't believe why do I always end up this close?

Last year, when I missed a cut-off by one mark, I made a list of everyone I may have intentionally or unintentionally hurt. Being an ardent believer in Karma, I am always alert to never upset a soul. I apologised to everyone whom I thought, I might have slightly wronged in anyway. It was my soul cleansing. Everyone said I am overthinking my failure and being a little harsh on myself, but I didn't want to leave any stone unturned be it academically or karmically.

With every stone possibly unturned, I sat for the same exam again and surprisingly missed that damn cut-off again by n-1 mark. I lost all motivation to continue my studies. I became bitter inside and blamed reservations for my failure, which I openly support on even days. I needed something to pinpoint my failure to, be it exam process or the exam conducting authority itself. I am no Sarthak Siddhant level fellow to challenge the largely opaque system. My kind of failed individuals are accustomed to accept the defeat and carry-on to the next exam, only to get humiliated there too. 

It feels like a repetitive lie, when your mother has to tell everyone that her daughter missed again by n-1 marks. You notice the unconvinced eyes of the listeners, and sigh with little sadness that no one in the world will ever believe your lived reality. While writing this, I received a text from my friend, who is similarly wronged by the system. We momentarily bond over missing the threshold and the unjust system, but again at the end I am alone, she is alone and we have to accept and move forward.

This haphazard moving forward has started affecting me physically, my fingers twitch sometimes, my heart races, I experience palpitations, there is constant heaviness in my chest, my stomach remains bloated for most parts of the month. When I visit my doctor to take medicines for fever or cold, he checks my blood pressure and pulse rate. My resting pulse rate chronically remains above 100. He advises me to come back again because soon I might develop anxiety. But doesn't anxiety mean panic attacks? Anxiety pills may induce sleepiness. So I skip revisiting him as I don't get panic attacks.

One day at a park, a group checks your biological age only to discover you have accomplished the feat of having a body of 41 year old at just 25 years of age. Probably, the machine faulted. Then one day, you bring a BP machine home to check your mother's BP only to find your resting pulse shooting upto 114 with every other member of your family clocking below 80. 

This is the cost of moving forward. My body naturally keeps the score of every n-1 defeat. 

I have been practising mindfulness for the past week, doing meditation, deep breathing exercises, consciously limiting overthinking but my pulse rate hasn't come down even a bit. 

Yesterday, the result of an entrance exam was declared and I ranked 21 among 4 lakh plus students. It was just an entrance exam but it was all the positive encouragement I needed at this point in life. My name and photo were printed out in the local newspaper. Irony is despite being ranked 21, the heading says I missed top 20 by just a few marks. Please celebrate every win wholeheartedly because you don't know the story of people missing by a tinka. 

My real achievement was not getting a shout-out by the local newspaper, it was my mother finally sending this little achievement of mine in the family group, it was distributing sweets to my fellow well-wishers and the biggest achievement was the relief I experienced on seeing my pulse rate reading 79 bpm in the BP machine. My body rewarded me :)🫀 

Rank 21 plus 79 bpm is equal to 100% win😁😁

P.S This piece is dedicated to Manvi, another n-1 failed today by the unjust system. Here's a hug🫂