You waited? Of course❤️ Part 2

"A great conversation will stay on your mind for weeks, it’ll shift something in you, it’ll linger." I read this line on my substack feed and felt like, this is the time to start the second half of my waiting story!

After reuniting with my mother, together we started looking for a decent place to rest in the lunch break. We entered the same Khets where everyone else had laid their chatais and claimed that much land as their resting place. We started tracing the tapered uncultivated area designed as a walking path outlining the yellow mustards. Again, crowded areas weren't our priority, so after a 200 metre walk, we finally found a place next to a cow shed. As we started to lay our sheets, a bhaiyya advised us a more suitable place adjacent to their house surrounded by mango trees. 

This was it. A place in the shadow of the mango trees, right next to a small hut and in the line of sight of the rest of the crowd. We laid our sheets, unpacked our tiffin, and of course the samosas and started eating. Soon, two three candidates also joined us with their guardians for the day. Maybe it was the heat or definitely the pressure of the exam that after eating a couple of spoons of poha and samosas we felt full. We also clicked a photo as a souvenir of this day.

Then I got up from my side of the sheet and told my mother to lie down and rest as I wanted to walk in the fields. I started walking to and fro until the bhaiyya remarked parade horahi hai. I feel awkward when a stranger acknowledges my presence, so I stopped my parade and circled back to my mother. My mother was busy listening to her lectures, so I didn't want to risk disturbing her. Meanwhile, bhaiyya went to his work on his cycle so my parade started again.

Mid-journey I realised my parade should offer some utility. I spotted a tea stall near-by and started parading in that direction. I wasn't sure if coming back on this same uneven land with two cups of hot tea shaking in my hand would be a decent idea. But I thought, walking at a snail's speed, making my upper body a stationary object should successfully transport atleast a few drops of caffeine to my mother. 

I reached the tea stall and realised that, from a distance I didn't take into account the elevation of the stall. Nevertheless, I placed my order of 2 cups of tea after getting ignored by the uncle 3-4 times. When uncle started handing over my tea, I asked him to hand it over to me after I descend from that height into the levelled fields. Uncle did exactly as told. I started my stiff walk of 200 metres on an uneven surface and soon realised how difficult it was to balance. It felt like everyone was looking at me, but I had to let go of that awkwardness and continue my stiff walk to reach my mother.

My mother upon receiving the tea, said accha kiya le aayi, pata nahi baad milti mein ya nahi. I felt good and useful at the same time. My mother's subtle praises are all the validations I seek wholeheartedly. To be useful is a good feeling to have. If I advise my mother to do something and she does that, I feel like a valuable person with all my education paying off its dividends. Being useful is a constant urge. I somehow understand the older uncles who are contributing their usefulness by standing in lines and getting their bank passbooks printed.

Now, it was 1:20 pm so we packed our belongings and headed back to the gate. Again the familiar announcements were made to clear the space in front of the centre's gate. This time my mother was also an experienced exam-giver. I cross checked if she had her ID, pens, admit-card and photo with her. With everything ensured, she made her entry. The scene outside the gate was almost in the same chaos as before. Addition was a candidate coming to the announcer telling him he couldn't find his roll no. on the list and the announcer mocking his carelessness by showing him that his exam was scheduled for yesterday. I felt a little sad for him but such carelessness is irredeemable.

20 minutes passed which meant my mother had entered her exam hall successfully again. This time I was a little tired, so my heart allowed me to search for a decent place to rest in this shift. As I walked in the direction of the previous auto, hoping for it to remain unoccupied, I spotted the same uncle from the passenger seat pointing at me and telling his wife about me. I asked him if the auto is still there. He said after I left, the auto-driver came to take back the ownership of his auto. We laughed and aunty who was also a candidate asked me to join them for tea. I told them I had my tea with my mother and now I am looking for a comfortable auto seat to park myself.

In another 50 metres, I found another unoccupied auto parked near the roadside. I congratulated myself on my luck and quickly grabbed the driver's seat. I could see candidates rushing towards the centre and a girl nearly shouting at her mother for walking slowly. I felt morally superior to her but remembered how my mother sometimes complain that I get irritated when I have my exams. Now I understood what she meant to say. Isn't it humbling how we justify our bad behaviour based on situations, while getting repelled by seeing the same bad behavior performed by someone else. 

After talking to my remaining relatives, I began feeling bored. There was a difference between this time's wait and the previous wait. In the morning shift, I knew by 12 noon there will be break time and I will have some important assistance duties to perform. This time, it felt like my major purpose has been met. Also, the guard uncles had warned us that the previous day candidates were stuck for hours in the traffic. So this time my wait didn't had an end time. It could be 7 or 8 when we finally reach home. I wanted to reach my home as soon as my mother's exam gets completed. I was getting a little irritated.

A familiar uncle came near my auto and shares about not finding a decent place to rest. The uncle was familiar because we had given him and his wife a lift in our auto as they couldn't find a transport to the centre in the village. It is a crime to hoard on to essential commodities, and a comfortable place to sit and wait was definitely a luxurious necessity. Therefore, I permitted him to occupy the passenger seat. 

While sitting he said he didn't feel comfortable in other uncles company as they were discussing about politics and castes. I thought in my head that maybe uncle needed a quiet place to rest and not be a part of heated conversation. I started scrolling on my phone until he began telling me about his plan in Varanasi. They had come from Azamgarh with another family in a car. The other family had their centre near the Vishwanath mandir. They had dropped them near the highway and proceeded to their centre, and then we had found them walking on the kacchi sadak. 

Uncle enquired if they can join us again at the leaving time. I felt like I didn't have the authority to give him that assurance so told him to ask my auto uncle. Isn't it noticeable that I have been mentioning so many uncles in this write-up. Where are the ladies? Firstly, the service providers near me were mostly male. When the tea is made inside a household, it is made by a women but when the same tea is sold with a price tag, it is served by a male. Secondly, 90% candidates at my centre were coming from another city and were mostly female. So that explains why there are uncles after uncles mentioned in this write-up. Somehow I was a female in a male dominated field.

The notion I had about uncle preferring peaceful silence was broken when he kept feeding me with unnecessary details about his journey and life overall. I was also bored, so hesitantly joined in conversation. Slowly we started talking about scams, street robbers, new ways of extorting money on roads and trains, and scams in teaching and other government exams. With every interesting "getting fooled" story, I was becoming comfortable in sharing my own stories.

Uncle runs a small dispensary in his home town. He started telling me about his patients. I shared my allergy story with him, he suggested a ayurvedic gharelu nuskha for it. Slowly, our conversation shifted to family dynamics with uncle mentioning how he feels bad when people consider only their spouses and children as their family and others as part of extended family. He told that he was raised by his grandmother and bhabhis who loaned their jewellery for his education. He feels indebted to their service but due to certain reasons has to live alone with his wife and children on a floor above his clinic. He missed the times when having large families were a show of strength but now finances and personal preferences require a nuclear family to function. By this time, I had slowly transitioned to being a listener. 

When I asked a male friend of mine, how he deals with family dysfunctions or quarrels, he answered that he ignores and let's his family shield him from that negativity. At that time, I felt that men have the privilege to disassociate themselves from the family issues, while women take the burnt to absorb the emotional drain caused by the negativity surrounding it. In my own family, I have not seen male members engaging directly in the smaller frictional points. So uncle sharing his frustration made him, a man in a woman-dominated field. 

I empathised with the uncle and validated his concern. I began understanding that maybe his personal life was chaotic lately, therefore he wasn't comfortable in discussing politics with other uncles and silence was unbearable to him. After his meltdown, if that's a correct word, we began talking about how we are going to get stuck for nearly an hour now in the traffic. This prompted me to call my auto uncle as the exam was going to get over in half an hour. Auto uncle came and the doctor uncle confirmed his seat in our auto.

We were back to our duties, standing outside the gate. As we were waiting a small boy irritated by the long wait, started playfully hitting the uncle but by judging the mood of the uncle, he wasn't comfortable with it. I interrupted by saying police ghum rahi hai yahaan badmash bacchon ko pakadne and then the boy stopped hitting. Isn't it beautiful how human connections are formed after a brief exposure of vulnerability. A 40-year old uncle doesn't require a 24- year old assistance, to deal against few playful hits of an 8-year old; or maybe being useful and protective of others is my way of showing respect and understanding. Either way the little chuckle after seeing the boy's face, diluted the heaviness caused by the earlier conversation.

Soon the bell rang, candidates started coming out, there was total chaos near the gate, then the aunty came but my mother was nowhere in sight. After some time, I spotted my mother smiling, walking like a penguin at snail's speed hand in hand with another penguin looking aunty. My mother had made a friend at the centre, she started exchanging numbers with her. The same walk which was cute earlier, looked lazy this time. I did not want to get stuck in this traffic jam which was building up, so gestured her to come without looking rude. She understood my signs and came quickly.

This time before asking her how the paper went, I began walking her to our parked auto. The auto started but the street was logjammed and looked like cranes and helicopters will have to intervene to clear the traffic. My mother said this shift exam was easier and she too was tired to share more details. After an hour we were finally on the highway and the doctor uncle and his wife got off there. 

While leaving uncle said thank you, which might be for the ride in the eyes of others, but it was a thank you to me, for listening to his outpouring with patience. This conversation was the sole reason I wanted to write this story, because it felt heavy carrying it alone. I guess you too share that heaviness with me. It was unusual yet satisfying. The conversation lingered with me for days. It felt disturbing that male members of our family too might be going through the same emotional turmoil as the uncle. I don't know what we can do, maybe a non- judgemental Conversation could be a start.